Pride and Prejudice

Gloomy Sunday

2008-02-03T14:10:24Z

"Before i rest my head to dark peace, i'll let my heart shed a burst of light and my eyes finally a tears of joy. Because tonight my heart whisper with quiet gladness that i have you. All who stand closest to my naked beating heart, for you are my family. And even though we've grown apart in so many ways, i know you'll catch me when i fall. i love you" -J.R.Klassen-

Much Ado About Nothing

2007-10-19T19:15:41Z

Not today he says the murderer. “I’m not a murderer, it was… an accident. I swear!... it’s not me..” then silence broke the air. Slowly, everyone takes one step behind one foot at the time forming a bigger circle surrounding him, almost like a flower taking its bloom. He takes a step forward, turns around progressively and takes another step behind while his hands trying to reach out.. and then pulls them back slowly and disappointedly. Confused. His eyes watery but they were no tears.

Still one foot at a time. Slowly. Further.

He could see their faces. Some angry, some disappointed; some completely turned their backs on him. There were disconcerting whispers flowing in the air, “How could you?” “Murderer!” and although this is what he sees, he imagines a different metaphor. A total opposite. It begins with him walking towards a huge pit. The pit is on the other side of a precipice, which you cannot see over until you are right at its edge. Your death is awaiting you in that pit. You don’t know what it looks like or sounds like or smells like. You don’t know whether it will be good or bad. Your just walk towards it. Your only will is the flashbacks of sweet memory and your footsteps are attended with deep confusion. The closer you get to the pit, the more you begin to have the sense that what awaits you there will be terrifying. Yet you experience this terror as a kind of blessing, a gift. Your long walk would have no meaning were if not for this pit at the end of it. He peers over the precipice: a burst of ethereal noise crashes over him. He had a gun in his hands, he’s wondering if he should pull the trigger.

He reclaimed reality.

There they were the people who have changed him during his time on earth, his many lovers, his family, his enemies, the nameless and perhaps the faceless. Also the same people who have made him who he is and wants to be. By now it was impossible. Impossible to reach out, he felt shameful, he felt unreturned, he was lost. He felt alone.

2 months ago, after the first reported murder, the police found traces of evidence which led them to believe that he was indeed the murderer. And even then before any conclusion was made, steps were already taken backwards, even the lady who serves him coffee every morning, his dear friend became hesitated. Reserved. He couldn’t understand why at first. Then it made sensed to him. She was a witness.

It didn’t take too long before everyone around him became hesitated. He became a stranger. For everyone’s safety, the case was made public. It went to the media, papers, everything. And because it was a small town, it became a public nuisance. He had just lost his job, the bank declared him bankrupt, his lover left him, his friends, and he was homeless. Living with broken dreams and hopes, he decided to live on with what he has left. So what kept him on? Was it something that he needed to prove? Or was he really guilty? Not long after the first murder, they were several other cases and he became a prime suspect. The prosecutors had a very strong case against him and because he couldn’t afford an attorney, they courts decided not to award him a trial. Wasnt 'necessary' they said. He was guilty until proven innocent and not otherwise. He never got a chance to testify. He was sentenced to jail before the courts can come out with firm verdict. He became mute.

During his prison term, he kept his fingers tightly crossed that someone may come pay a visit during the visiting hours. In fact there were. But not how he expected it to be. Not all of it at least. Divided by a piece of glass, one after another they pick up the hand set resting on the right side of the glass. And instead of “how are you doing?” he sadly encountered “did you really…?” "maybe you should turn yourself in...?" the benefit of the doubt seem underrated. He thought he couldn’t really blame them but the question still remains unanswered. Did he? If not then why are all evidence pointing at him? If yes, then why does he feel betrayed? The police was getting anxious. They wanted him to make a confession because they weren’t any concrete proof yet. He was emotionally and mentally abused.

There’s a very special friend that comes by every now and then to pay him a visit, one that believes he is being greatly misunderstood. There were some others, but not as sure as he is. He doesn’t understand really why, but he had faith in him. He’s very grateful of him. He never thought that he would be the one that stands up with him eventually but he did. Almost family-like. Neither a father nor a mother will turn their backs on their child. While there is an army outside judging and manipulating you only god can judge you.

He hasn’t spoken a word. He didn’t need anyone to listen.
He needed them to understand.
He didn’t need anyone to ‘fix’ him.
He needed them to understand.
He needed them to help him
He is his own worse enemy.
But can he face the rest?
Who shall he need to prove first. Himself? Or them?
Underneath the all pseudo exterior of jolliness and coldness, he is pain. Dissatisfied. Disappointed. Fooled. Angry. Ashamed. Sorry. Regret.

So in the same metaphor, he took a good look at his past, present, and future. He said a little prayer. To repent his sins, forgive his mistakes and leave everything else in god hands because he knows of his conscience that who he is and what he is. Life is not always fair. While good people are suffering the people who don’t really deserve it sometimes get the best things in life. We get disheartened, we get discounted for what we are, our values and many things in life. Sometimes people take advantage of that. Whether or not, we are capable in doing things differently or change, it remains unfair. To this realization, he slowly releases the trigger, takes down the gun pointing to his head and takes a deep breath.

The best has yet to come..

Faith is where there's nothing else to Hope for

2007-09-09T15:53:30Z

I wanted a fresh start, something to say that will actually put a smile on someone’s face. Because at this point there is nothing I hate most than to let others see me when i’m vulnerable again.

Its 9th September today, that’s 1 week and 4 days before I supposedly pack my bags and make it all come true. 0 days to waste. Before today, I pray that I can leave everything behind and help myself to steer the wheel one last time before I crash and bring everything I ever hope for along with me. When I reach the finish line and before I can even turn off the engine and take a long good breath, another race is ready for me. Only this time, I’m blindfolded. And the only way I thought I could do this, is to gather everything strength I can afford to give and give out that one last tear I have left to give, and stay numb after that. So there is no more room for disappointment, pain, and even happiness. And I know that that is not something I want today, infact it is not something anyone would want. You ask questions you probably already know the answer. For many, it is called false hope. For some it is called faith. For me, it is called surprises. You’ve done something all your life without longing anything more from him but a word of encouragement, a pat on the back and feel safe. When you think that you’ve got it all that’s when in a race, people will start placing bets on you. And for what it’s worth, you will start placing bets on yourself. Otherwise, you just wait for surprises. Of course more often than not, they aren’t really pleasant ones. And I just got a little used to it. So every disappointment and pain you receive by then, chewing seems to be a painful process and swallowing doesn’t seem so easy anymore. And what do you get. The imagery of despair and entrapment that glides through your own confusion between choosing to get answers and no more surprises or end up having to choose between slitting your own wrist or to slit theirs. How does a child suppose to decide when his old man gives him a first class trip to guiltland? I’ve done my part of it, and maybe.. maybe I don’t see you doing yours but is that all you’ve got for me.

11 more days before 21st of September, I know I wasn’t given much time. But how am I suppose to compartmentalize all my emotions and breakaway from this harden sentiment before I can bookmark or close any chapters before I tell them I love you. I’m barely near half the checklist. When it seems so close you feel you can almost reach it, sometimes life can pull it away from you. And then it puts you back to where you started. It drowns your spirit and make you weak again, just when you’re ready to stand and dance. Then you start asking questions again. Only today, perhaps you can try to beat life out of it OR you can succumb to false hope, faith or surprises.

I hope to find faith.

Mirror

2007-03-16T21:28:18Z

You know sometimes, we wonder how different life turn out to be, from too many expectations, dreams, goals and maybe that little something we hope for to happen. Today, I begin to think if I’m half the man I thought I’ll be. My visions are clouded and my spirit rage at a wrong time and at the wrong places. Not long ago, I packed a year of my life which I thought to be the most painful but yet in so many ways a memorable one. I’ve put in the tears and I’ve put in the laughter. And then to that unhurried gesture, I came across this person I once knew. Different in so many ways but yet still the same person. It’s a change I cannot see nor perceive. I’ve laid back several time thinking about this person. Little things which made a difference. Like how he makes a point to ring his parents, to check on his brothers to tell them how much he misses them and he’s doing just fine. And how he prays more often than not for forgiveness and the mistakes he’s done. Not until one day he sits down wondering if whatever he’s done was worth doing. I remember he came up to me with questions and confusions. And at one point he was just completely unsettled and lost. He’s always a strong faith in God. It’s funny, how he tells me God gives him answers and draws him a path when destination was merely a destination and not a journey. There were times when he was utterly disheartened by events he thought was awful and it broke him to so many little pieces. I told him, he was wrong, in hopes he could take a different view in life. By then, God had sent him Beautiful souls; wonderful people to help him pick up the pieces and a Beautiful Bird to sing to him. And he moves on. Learning from whatever there is from, written and unwritten. But is he the same? I don’t know. I can tell you his struggling and He’s Trying. I know he needs to be reminded most of time. I still see him today. And although I see him smiling and laughing I know for fact he’s not proud of himself, not today. He’s worried of where’s next for him. He’s wondering in tears how his love ones are doing. He’s afraid of disappointing them. He wonders if he can ever be certain again.. I don't know. But..Pretty soon, I believe I’m going back to the box and see him again. I hope by then life turn out the way I hope it to be with everything I’ve gain and lost and visions crystal clear again.

jonathanklassen @ 2006-11-20T15:00:00

2006-11-20T07:00:59Z

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eleoquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing,
you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

jonathanklassen @ 2006-07-26T00:49:00

2006-07-25T16:50:06Z

Your EQ is 133

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?